Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
