I accidentally had phone sex last night
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
