It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
