You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
