on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
