I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
