i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
honey bunches of taint.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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