your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
