I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
