There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
