4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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