I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
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my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
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Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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