so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
