Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
