Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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