I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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