omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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