I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
