one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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