Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
