Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
