I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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