He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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