kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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