i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
