Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
