shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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