Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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