Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
