The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
