I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
