Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
