where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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