ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
