ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
