I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
