Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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