I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
