i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
