If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
