My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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