have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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