I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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