Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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