it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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