did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dicks are not precious.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
