I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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