R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
