operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
