I hate all girls vehemently.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
