i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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