he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
