All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
