I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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