You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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