Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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